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February 1, 2010
1951 hrs
Listening to Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood. Something yang menenangkan di petang Isnin. Aku tengah berfikir2, shoul I or should I not share something dengan korg semua... And I made up my mind.
This sharing, after pertimbangkan banyak perkara, aku rasa, aku harus share.
Erm, this entry will be a shocking one. But, what I'm hoping for is, hendaknya jadi pengajaran or renungan buat mereka yang saudara seiman dengan aku...
Here it goes...
As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee
You alone are my strength my shield
To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee
You're my friend and You are my brother,
Even though you are a king.
I love you more thank any other,
So much more than anything.
I want You more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy Giver,
And the apple of my eye.
* * * *
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hand
‘Cos I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel
For the first time in along time
She bowed her head to pray
She said “ I’m sorry for the way I’ve been living my life ”
* * * *
I’m born and raise as a Catholic. Strictly, by my parents. Especially mum. I was sent to Sunday School, macam budak-budak Catholic lain. Every Sunday. Without fail. Ponteng Sunday School is as bad, or worst, dari ponteng sekolah. After Communion Class, aku masuk Bible Class. And then Cathecism Class. Dan selepas itu series and series of seminar, camp and etc. Never missed mass, never missed Novena and I even went for Holy Hour EVERY WEDNESDAY. I was a devoted Christian, a Catholic.
Then it all changed. Slowly.
Frustration in life and sikap aku yang tak berhenti-henti mempersoalkan perkara-perkara di sekeliling. Like org selalu kata, takde kerja so, berfikir untuk menyibukkan diri. But I’m glad I did...You'll know why... later.
2002, zaman Tingkatan Enam. Life jadi semakin teruk. Family berantakan. The crack was getting bigger and bigger. Dan aku semakin depressed. Slowly, faith slipped away. Replaced with anger and frustration. I changed; I don’t believe. Not just religion, but in God Himself. Cuma pada ketika itu, aku tak boleh buat apa-apa sebab mum. Still strong in her faith and belief, she still have high hopes in God. Untuk mengubah keadaan yang kacau bilau menjadi semakin tenang.
I respected her belief. Tapi aku tak mau terlibat dalam perkara yang pada masa itu, aku rasa sia-sia. Why?
If there’s God, kenapa tak putus-putus dugaan melanda family aku?
If there’s God, kenapa bertimpa-timpa malang datang?
If there’s God, kenapa Dia tak menjawab permintaan mummy aku?
If there’s God, why life is so unfair?
Like I said before, I went to Bible and Cathecism class. SEPATUTNYA, my faith and belief kukuh. But, no. It didn’t. Dari kecik, I was told, this is the TRUTH. This is the RIGHT ONE. This is what I should BELIEVE, without any question, without doubt.
Orang without belief, without faith, can survive the world. They even can make a better living than us. They’re richer and smarter and better than us who belief in God. They have the happiness I wanted. Orang yang tidak percaya hidupnya lebih mudah dan tidak banyak persoalan yang membelenggu hidup mereka.
That’s what I thought back then. When I was 18. Zaman darah mudah meletup macam gunung berapi. Dan pada ketika itu, makin cepat my faith hilang. Pada ketika itu juga, aku dah mula meninggalkan Novena, Rosary Prayer, Holy Hour and even my daily prayers. I felt that I don’t need it.
I believe I can live without Him. Like everybody does. Aku mula persoalkan ajaran-ajaran agama.
Why do we have to do this? Why can’t we do that?
Why do we have to confess through Father sedangkan when we pray, we can talk straight to Him?
Why do we have such and such rituals in church?
Why does this verse in Bible says this and the other one says that?
Why do people went to church but bila keluar, act like a son of bitch etc...?
Why do we have Holy Trinity? What is Holy Trinity?
And aku compare. With other religion. Every ritual in every religion. Setiap tunjang kepercayaan setiap agama aku persoalkan dan aku cari jawapan untuk memuaskan hati aku. Other religion, ada sebab dan ada penerangan untuk setiap apa yang dilakukan dan setiap apa yang dilarang, juga untuk setiap apa yang harus dipercayai. Other religion was easier to understand and much easier to believe.
I read other religious books. And compare it to Bible. I went out and listen to talks, seminar, forum. Everything. I did everything I could to find something yang boleh mengukuhkan keraguan aku pada kepercayaan aku. 6 years gone by, I could say yang aku dah hancur ,hampir sepenuhnya.
BUT, there’s a but....
Aku still tak dapat buang my Rosary yang aku bawa bersama. I never use it. I only looked at it tanpa apa-apa perasaan. And kept it in my cupboard.
Then came 2008. My frustration and persoalan semakin menebal. Hati aku masih tak puas. By this time, aku dah tak mengaku Catholic. When someone ask my religion, I’d say Christian. But not Catholic. It’s not that I’m ashamed, aku cuma rasa, aku bukan Catholic. And I dun want to believe I am one of them.
The same year, I went back to church. St. John Cathederal. Dan aku pasti, kawan-kawan sama Diploma dengan aku yang Catholic semuanya bersorak kegembiraan. But for me, pergi ke gereja bukan untuk mencari ketenangan. I have to go back to find something, a little thing I can doubt and question. To confirm, I’m right not to believe secara membabi buta.
First time ke St John, aku bawa balik risalah yang setiap Ahad di distribute. The NEWBEC article. New Way Of Being Church. And I remember sangat2 what was the article was about. The Prodigal Son. I felt like, the article was mocking me. With anger, I stuffed it in my bag and balik rumah, aku campak atas meja. But I didn’t threw it away.
Never did actually. I still kept it, as a reminder.
I went back next Sunday, and the next Sunday... and without realising it, I went back nearly every Sunday. Sampai la aku dapat tempat kat Astro, Bukit Kewangan. St. John Cathederal was only 5 minutes away. Masa di Astro, I worked on Sundays. So, I fixed my time; skipped lunch, anjak the 1 hour to petang and use that time untuk ke gereja. Bukan untuk sembahyang tapi mencari something to doubt about! I know, I was... stupid.
And then it happened.
One evening in September 2009. It was raining. Masa ni aku dah exhausted. Physically and spritiually. It was cold. I was walking and thinking. Makin dekat aku dengan St John, aku rasa kerut kat dahi semakin banyak. Berjuta-juta pertanyaan dan keraguan dalam kepala otak. And I thought, What the hell am I doing here? Coming back and get nothing? Where are You? Why aren’t You answering me? Why are You wasting my time???
While I was walking and thinking, debating with my inner self, a car was coming from the opposite direction, really fast. And then, it hit a puddle, betul-betul tepi aku and splashhh!!!! .... aku basah dari pinggang ke kaki. I was... shocked? Aku tutup payung. Continue berjalan ke gereja.
I was early. Masih tak ramai orang. So I sat there, still stunned. I knelt. Did the Sign of The Cross, bowed down my head and.... cried my heart out.
Little did I know, selama ini aku bukan mencari something to doubt. But I was actually searching my way home. Back to Him. I was looking for a sign, a sign from Him that say, “Come home, you’re forgiven”...
The car, the rain and the puddle splash was like satu tamparan from Him, untuk buat aku sedar bahawa He was there all along. But I was stupid, idiot, ignorant blind, I can’t see Him. All the while He was there with me.
If I recall back, He never leave me. The more I doubt, the more Dia tanamkan kepercayaan dalam hati aku. But I was ignorant. Aku jahil dalam mengintepretasi kehadiran Dia dalam setiap langkah aku.
I even tested Him. Satu perkara yang tak seharusnya aku lakukan. Lagi, I tested Him dengan cara yang sangat bodoh. I always said things like, “I’m tired. I have to meet someone at this or that place later. But I’m lazy. If You really exist, can You please make that person appear now so can save my time from walking here and there?”
And, always, that person will be where I wanted them to be. Or worst, if I’m lonely, I’d say to Him, “If You really exist and care about me, bagi aku something yang boleh hilangkan bosan or whatever.” And, I will get what I want.
Bercakap dengan Dia akhirnya jadi kebiasaan. Dan, secara aku tak sedar, aku suka bercakap dengan Dia. Secara tak sedar jugak, banyak permintaan aku Dia kabulkan. Whatever I asked, He’ll gave it to me... straight away. I was very very very lucky. But also, very ungrateful. I didn’t realized how lucky I was. Berapa ramai yang minta tapi tak dikabulkan? Mine? Dikabulkan secepat yang mungkin.
Cuma, perkara yang betul2 sukar, memang tak akan dikabulkan secepat mungkin la... like my family, still berantakan. But, it’s not His fault. It’s our fault. Banyak perkara yang menyebabkan perkara terjadi as it is... Some of it, unanswerable. Or maybe, take time untuk dijawab dan difahami.
After the incident, aku cuba ‘kembali’...
Tough as hell. Bnayak perkara yang aku kena belajar balik. Nearly 10 years, aku berjalan dalam gelap. But satu perkara yang aku sangat2 bersyukur, most of the important prayers aku tak lupa. The Rosary... dari mula sampai ke Hail Holy Queen. In fact, The Rosary was the prayer yang aku mula buat bila aku cuba nak ‘kembali’ and the song Mary From Thy Sacred Image... buat aku menangis mengongoi-ngongoi... The Lord’s Prayer pun aku tak dapat habiskan setiap kali I said it. I cried and cried and cried until puas.
The Benediction... aku still ingat the words etc. Cuma daily prayers aku lupa banyak. Betapa teruknya aku. Finding my way back to Him was really hard. Untuk berjalan tak tentu arah was easy. But to get back was damn hard.
Especially untuk membina semula the Creed. That's the hardest of all. Sometimes now, when I went to church, aku selalu mencampur adukkan this belief with that belief and so on. I have the tendency to samakan semuanya.
The Creed, the core of Catholic faith adalah punca aku pergi sebelum ini. And it was the same thing yang membawa aku kembali. I went here and there to find the answer to something that cannot be explain menggunakan akal dan bahasa manusia.
The Creed can only be answered and understand by faith. My faith. Your faith. Without faith, one would never understand the Holy Trinity. Orang simplify The Holy Trinity seperti Nescafe 3 in 1. No my dear, it is more than that...But aku tak boleh terangkan what and how. It’ll be like, aku cuba penuhkan satu lubang di pantai dengan seluas lautan. It will always be a mystery to non-believer... Catholic or no Catholic.
No one knows betapa kacau bilaunya my faith. Betapa rapuhnya dan betapa dahaganya aku akan satu kebenaran. Even until now, aku masih belajar untuk kembali. Aku masih kacau bilau. Masih bukan Catholic yang bagus.
To Mau, I’m so sorry... Bukan aku sik mauk ganti tempat Mell as exco. Aku rasa aku sik layak... I know my excuse sounds lame, but that’s what I feel.
Orang yang seagama dengan aku maybe wondering, dengan family yang strict about agama, yang foundation kukuh tentang agama, how on earth aku boleh menyimpang?
Begini wahai sahabat dan saudara seiman...
Dari kecil, kita lahir sebagai orang Kristian, a Catholic. Kita belajar this and that. We were told to do this and not do that. We were told, this is the truth. This is our Saviour. This is what we supposed to believe.
Kebanyakan orang will follow apa yang diajarkan. A good Christian. Maybe. Or maybe not.
Aku, seorang Christian dan Catholic yang tidak tau bersyukur, given knowledge and curiosity by God himself, mula bertanyakan what and why in everything yang diajarkan.
Sebabnya, ramai yang aku perhatikan, including myself, sampai berbuih2 mulut mengangkat pujian dan sebagainya. But, in action, kadangkala lebih teruk dan buruk dari orang yang tidak mempunyai agama. So, what’s the point of having something to believe in if that thing sebenarnya tak membezakan kita dengan orang lain?
But itu bukan ‘Faith’ yang mereka tunjukkan. Itu adalah diri mereka sebagai manusia. Sama seperti aku. I was wrong to judge others berdasarkan agama. If that person adalah seorang yang benar2 mengamalkan agamanya, dia tak akan judge orang lain... Dan tak akan menganggap bahawa dia Holy hanya kerana dia sentiasa ke gereja dan buat apa yang seharusnya. It is what’s in your heart yang menggambarkan who you are... yeah, I know... I was very cynical then.
There are good things yang aku dapat dari ‘kehilangan’ sekejap dari Catholic faith.
Aku lebih memahami agama lain.
Tapi, yang paling penting, aku lebih memahami agama aku.
Walaupun masih ada sesetengah perkara yang aku masih kabur, tapi, it is easier for me to understand now, rather than way back then. Maybe sebab peningkatan umur, aku lebih tenang dalam menerima sesuatu atau maybe sebab aku dah banyak mempersoalkan pelbagai perkara, jadi, now I have better understanding...
Banyak yang terjawab dan ada beberapa yang masih belum terjawab.
Bila aku mula masuk USM, the first thing I looked for was Catholic Society. I thought, maybe by joining the society, will help me to regain my faith dan memperkukuhkannya semula...
I’m sorry but I have to be frank and brutally cruel guys...
I didn’t felt anything dalam CUS sampailah...
2 weeks ago, when we did that Faith Among Students and Hope Through Bible session (last Friday with Fr Dominic)
Especially the session with Fr Dominic... sekali lagi, aku menangis mengongoi macam budak2 (those of you hadir for that session sure remember la hahaha)
At the end of the session, he ‘fed’ me with something I really, really wanted and hunger for. After all these years... in USM, dalam BT 150, my thirst was quenched!
Not very dramatic but to hell with that...
Sure, I cried like what but... it was tears of joy, and of course, regret.
For those yang lahir, membesar dan hidup sampai mati dengan faith yang diperturunkan tanpa mempersoalkan apa-apa, aku salute. It’s good that you can be obedient and follow as you were told. Life is easier for you.
But for me, life is hard secara reality and harder when it comes to faith.
God show His love dengan cara yang complicated. Or maybe, aku yang membuatkannya complicated. I don’t know which is which. But one thing for sure, He loves me.
When in times of trouble, He’s there to help.
When in times of doubt, He’s there to guide.
When in times of darkness, He light up the way.
When in time of sadness, He offers comfort.
He’s always there. Always there.
Masa sesi menangis kat BT 150 that days, I can’t stop crying sebab... korang pernah tak rasa ada semacam warm feeling bila rasa happy... something yang membuatkan korg rasa susah nak stop senyum or ketawa?
Itulah perasaan yang aku rasa. Cuma, yang peliknya, aku bukan ketawa, tapi menangis. A bit weird, but it’s true. Aku tatau mcm mana nak pemudahkan. Actually, tak boleh nak dipermudahkan.
So, there... The Parable of the Prodigal Son... my version.
Shocking isn’t it? Rasanya, family member aku yang baca ni pun mesti rasa terkejut. Sebab tak pernah tahu...
I owe a lot of people apology. For being someone I’m not. I didn’t mean to fool anyone. I was confused and lost. But, semua ini hanya dalam dunia aku sendiri.
This is the story of my search for the real Truth. The explanation for things people always failed to answer me. My search for Him will always be the thing I’ll remember till the end of my life.
It thought me banyak.
Aku still tak perfect. And aku masih nak recover my lost faith. Kadangkala, aku still ‘terjatuh dalam lubang’ but I itu semua bukan disebabkan oleh Dia. Itu disebabkan kelalaian aku.
I went to Sunset Mass again last Saturday. Dengan budak-budak CUS (Catholic Undergraduate Society) lain. At the end of the mass, Fr Dominic gave me a book : Catechism Of The Catholic Church.
God bless him for being so helpful. He gave it for free. And he gave one of our CUS new member, Lia, a bible...
Dia dah tandakan pages about The Trinity yang akan bantu aku untuk lebih faham. I’ve gone through it briefly... nampak gaya, I have to spend some time to read this carefully.
Kebanyakan persoalan yang berterbangan dalam kepala aku ada jawapannya dalam buku ni, so, Thank God aku jumpa dia.
Lastly, aku menyusun sepuluh jari andai kata coretan aku kali ini ada menyinggung perasaan mana-mana pihak. Sejujurnya, story ini aku share untuk tauladan. Sharing this seakan-akan membuka pekung di dada.
This is something I never tell anyone. Not even to my family. Sebab aku tak mau involve or membuat orang lain doubt their faith like I do.
I am very lucky kerana ‘hilang’ dan kembali. Some of us never came back. And, I’m lucky sebab aku dikelilingi orang-orang yang penuh rasa cinta. Love in God’s name. They help me to come back.
Most importantly, aku sangat bertuah sebab Dia pilih aku untuk diuji...
Walaupun ujian yang diberikan sangat perit, but aku rasa, setimpal dengan dosa yang aku lakukan.
And, to people out there... yes, YOU!
JANGAN INGAT SHARING SOMTHING LIKE THIS MEMALUKAN.
Sharing something like this might help others yang dalam situasi yang sama tapi tak berani dan tak mau bercakap apa-apa tentangnya.
I've been there so I know how's it like. I was alone.
Apa-apa pun, if He doesn’t love me, I won’t be sitting here, typing and sharing this story with all of you.
He loves me so much, that He tested me, to see if I have enough faith to come back to Him and to acknowledge Him as the One, the Truth, the almighty Father.
Indeed, success or getting whatever you want and need with and without faith and belief is different.
One is fulfilling while the other is... empty.
Again, maafkan dan ampuni aku jika entry kali ini menyinggung perasaan mana-mana pihak.
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