27

It's been long. Very long. I'm actually a bit lazy to update my blog. And, I purposely wait for today to update it. For obvious reason, it's my burst day hahaha. The day I burst from my mother's womb hahaha. And, if you notice, I didn't do New Year post. Why should I? everyone else are doing it. And same for Valentine. And other day.

My New Year starts on my birthday every year. It's the only day in the year I make resolution ^^

Tahun ni, well... There are few things yang aku dah lama fikirkan and plan nak buat. I'm 27 and I'm not a kid anymore. I know that and I realized that. I may act like I'm retarded 16 but inside, I'm more to 27, and sometimes... around 30s ^^

I act as someone my age when I'm alone or when I face problems. And when I deal with serious things. But when I'm around people in uni, I act like them. Just to fit in. But it's fun ^^

Things I wanna do in my 27 years period ada banyak. I don't know if I'll be able to finish them or not. Aku akan cuba, and hopefully, with God's help, aku boleh selesaikan. He helped a lot dalam masa 26 tahun.

Well, the first thing I wanna do is, QUIT SWEARING.

Ephesians 5:4

"Nor it is fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar. Rather you should give thanks to God."

Even the scriptures pun melarang menggunakan kata-kata yang tidak bagus. Something yang aku selalu lakukan. Mum... I know dia dah penat melarang. Actually, I already started refrain myself from swearing and using vulgar words since... I'm not so sure...last year maybe? Start pertengahan tahun?

It was hard. Because aku bukannya jenis yang penyabar. I'm an angry person. But, holding to the scriptures, I try not to swear or say things that will hurt others. Kadang-kadang, ada jugak terlepas beberapa perkataan... Especially when I'm really, really, really angry. And it's not good. The feeling was... I don't know.

I'm not saying I'm trying to be holy or something. It's something I wanna do for my soul. I want my soul to have or to be dalam keadaan yang tenang. Ever since I started not to swear, I do feel sedikit baik. This is not testimony ok hahahaha... Try it. Only then you know the feeling.

Most people (even I) swear bila marah. C*bai, laha*nat, sh*i and banyak lagi biasanya laju keluar kalo tgh marah. I try not to say the words sh*t dengan menukarkan kepada "tahi" because it sound less vulgar hahaha...But what's the point? Niat and the meaning are the same. So, I opt untuk terus tinggalkan tabiat menyumpah. I'm still trying to buang it totally... It's hard. But I'll try. Untill sepenuhnya terbuang.

Second would be :

Ephesians 5:18

"Do not get drunk with wine, which will only ruin you; instead, be filled with the spirit"

Especially on festive seasons. I don't actually drink that much but when I start, I can't stop and will drink till i drop dead hahahaha. And it's not good. Again, world tell us, it's okay to drink. And most people hold on to their adat or whatsoever untuk menghalalkan what is actually haram according to our religion. And I felt guilty when I came across this scripture.

I never drink with friends. I don't trust anyone. Especially when alcohol is part of the gathering. I only drink with family. And when I do, I'll go all out. I thought, this is the safest and pilihan terbaik la konon. Untill... Ephesians 5:18 'tell' me... Drinking untill you drunk is not what God want. With family or not, still salah. So Claire, say no to drunk. I don't care if people says I'm sissy or penakut or poyo or wahtsoever. Who are you to say those things anyway?

I will only be scared of my Lord and my God. Not you, a human being like me.

Book of Proverbs contains all the thing yang aku rasa, when I flipped through it...yes, I FLIPPED through it... Aku rasa macam kena penampar yang sangat kuat. Proverbs, walaupun aku cuma flipped through, skimmed here and there, it's like God himself are talking, advising and telling me what should and what I should not do.

Proverbs 22 : 24-25

"Don't make friends with people who have hot, violent tempers. You might learn their habits and not be able to change"

Which is very very true. Contoh, the swearing thing. I'm around angry people a lot. even in my family. And myself adalah seorang yang sangat2 jahat, full of anger. No wonder I never felt happy, safe and tenang... I'm full of hatred. So, how can I stay away from this dark side of me? By praying I guess. That's the best way. And try to calm down sentiasa. Which is very very hard. Hahaha...

The Thirty Wise Sayings in Proverbs 22 : 17-29, 23 : 1-35, 24 : 1-34 talked about all the things yang aku rasa kena la dengan diri yang hina ini. Like;

Proverbs 23 : 17-18

"Don't be envious of sinful people; let reverence for the Lord be the concern of your life. If it is, you have a bright future"

Dengki mendengki. Perkara sia-sia yang memang setiap manusia dalam dunia ni ada buat. Walau sikit pun... tetap la itu namanya dengki. I have this sickness too hahaha...Like all of you. And biasanya, perkara yang didengkikan adalah bersifat duniawi. Yang tidak membawa apa-apa kebaikan, especially bila dah mati. So, this too, aku try nak shave it off... Buang terus kalau boleh. Again, this is extremely hard.

I've been doing this for a while already. Someone from church tell me, nak elak rasa dengki tu menular dan memakan diri, be generous and be sincere dengan kata-kata pujian. Especially kalau orang itu layak dan berhak mendapatnya. And, when people praise you for whatever that you've achieved or done, TERUS... aku ulang, TERUS SAY THANKS TO GOD. Because without Him, untuk wujud pun kita tidak mampu. So all the good things are form Him. Do this, trust me, you'll feel good. And the earthly things? Takkan bermakna apa-apa... Focus on God's offering daripada apa yang dunia tawarkan. God's gift are eternal.

Proverbs 24 : 1-2 said the same thing;

"Don't be envious of evil people, and don't try to make friends with them. Causing trouble is all they ever think about; everytime they open their mouth someone is going to hurt."

There's another one of the Wise Saying yang aku sangat2 tertarik. It really reflects me, and I believe, all of you too.

Proverbs 24 : 17-18

"Don't be glad when your enemies meet disaster, and don't rejoice when they stumble. The Lord will know if you are gloating, and he will not like it; and then he might not punish them."

Yes. Berkaitan dengan enemy. Ini perkara biasa aku buat. Kalau orang yang aku tak suka tu terkena susah, wahhhh.... Bukan main suka lagi hati ni. Riang gembira dan penuh warna warni. But karma beb... Karma itu ada. And aku tak payah tunggu lama2. Usually, kalo aku ada berperasaan begini, I will be punish straight away. This is one of the toughest things to do... Berdoa dengan ikhlas, memaafkan dan berbaik dengan hati yang tulus dengan musuh. Yes, we do pray for those who hates us. But do we really, really do that sincerely? I questioned myself banyak kali, dalam pelbagai situasi yang melibatkan orang yang aku tahu, terang-terangan tak suka dengan aku.

There are times aku mengalah. I let them win. When they're in trouble, I helped. When they need someone to listen, I lend them my ears. But, dalam banyak kali perkara ini berlaku, berapa kali aku benar2 ikhlas? I don't know. I try to be ikhlas setiap kali perkara macam ni berlaku. Tapi, kelemahan sebagai manusia... We can never perfect every time. So, starting from now... Will try harder. With God's help of course...

All these...and more. My focus I guess, kurang pada world. AKU TRY untuk focus more to this kind of stuff. It's a blessing, I'm still alive untill now. Anytime, anywhere Dia boleh ambik balik all yang Dia kasi. My look, my wisdom, my abilities, my sight, my life... Although not perfect, but better than some people out there. Semua ini, I got from Him.

Living as sinner, aku rasa okay with it. Walaupun kadangkala, I can hear Him disapproving what I do, aku teruskan juga. Isn't that bad? To most of you, you'll think... What the dog. Just do what you wanna do.

I can do that. I'll feel happy. But sampai bila?

Dalam doa aku, setiap hari, I always ask for happiness sebab bagi aku, I don't have enough. Growing up dalam broken family, I feel envy pada mereka yang ada hubungan baik dengan setiap ahli keluarga. I search for love and happiness and ketenangan. Semuanya ada dekat, but I was too blind to see.

I always wonder juga, why didn't God answer my prayer? He answered all my other prayer, my wish etc. Aku minta dean list, He gave it to me. Aku minta masuk university, He gave it to me... But happiness and love. Simple things... Dia tak jawab. Funny.

And then I realized.

He actually gave all that I asked. Bukan secara terus. Like He always does. Semuanya Dia kasi secara sembunyi2. Love, I received from Him tiap kali aku rasa down. It's a miracle for me, bila aku sedih atau ada masalah, mum's always there. She knows. Like we're connected or something.

Bila aku rasa aku ada sesuatu yang aku nak ceritakan but I don't trust people around me, God will give me space. Alone. To talk to Him. Always. ALWAYS. When I said I wanna be alone, there'll be no one around me samapi ala ku tenang.

So semua ini adalah ketenangan and cinta yang aku minta dari Dia. Of course, trials and obstacles in my life also adalah cara dia menunjukkan Dia sayang. It brings me closer to Him.

This year, I promise I'll do banyak perkara to please Him. To say thank you to Him. Like Rev. Fr. Michael Sia (our parish priest in Bintulu) said, sampai sekarang aku ingat... Learn to sing the song of Gratitude.

Whatever I planned to do might not be perfectly accomplish. But I'll try. I'll try harder than previous year.

Selain daripada my promise to Him, I do have some other things yang aku nak buat. But, let me just keep those to myself ya? Hahahaha...

Proverbs 30 : 7 - 9

"I asked You, God, to let me have two things before I die: Keep me from lying, and let me be neither rich or poor. So, give me only as much as food as I need. If I have more, I might say I do not need You. But if I'm poor, I might steal and bring disgrace on my God"

And the St. Paul's letters to the Philippians 4 : 10 - 13 said,

"In my life union with the Lord, it is a great joy to me that after so long a time, you once more had the chance of showing that you care for me. I don't mean that you stopped caring for me - you just had no chance to show it.

And I'm not saying this because I feel neglected, for I have learned to be satisfied with what I have. I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have more than enough.

I have learnt this secret, so that anywhere, at any time, I am content, whether I am full or hungry, whether I have too much or too little, I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FACE ALL CONDITIONS BY THE POWER THAT CHRIST GIVES ME."

Thank You Lord for the past 26 years. Thank You for giving me chance to live my life up till now, giving me chance to reflect on my life, my mistakes and giving me chance to repent. Help my Lord, to be better than 26 years old me. Amen.

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Thank you to those who remember and wish and celebrate my birthday. I love you guys *hugs* ^^