All Souls Days

November 2, 2010
1716 hrs

My grandpa passed away about 2 or 3 years ago. But, rasa macam masih baru. Today, Catholic celebrates All Souls Day.

Actually, bukanlah satu celebration. Tp, satu hari untuk mengingati dan berdoa untuk departed souls.

This time of the year, semenjak my grandpa meninggal, our family akan ke Miri untuk melawat kubur my late grandpa. Mum texted me just a few minutes ago, saying they're now at the graveyard.

I was excited masa celebrate All Saints Day yesterday. But when mum texted me and said they're going to Miri tomorrow (that is today dalam context post ni) untuk melawat kubur my late grandpa, tiba-tiba rasa... hollow?

I wasn't really sure aku rasa apa. definitely not rasa Oren.

I think I was sad. but I don't really know how sad I was sampai la masa aku dedicate prayer to my late grandpa di Mother Mary's Shrine.

I wasn't there, always masa dia mula sakit. I was here. Di tanah besar. Semenanjung. mengejar apa yang aku minat. Trying to prove whatever I wanna prove back then yang akhirnya tak bermakna apa-apa.

I went back sekali sekala. Tapi tidak pernah sampai ke rumah panjang walau pun banyak kali my grandma suruh balik.

I tot,"Tak apa, I'll go back when I'm done."

When he admitted hospital, I went back. Sempat aku jaga dia. Bermalam at the ward floor, jaga makan minum etc.

But that wasn't enough. We barely speak to each other. Kalau bercakap pun, banyak benda yang aku tak faham apa yang dia katakan. He never smile, never laugh. Maybe because he was in pain. Tapi, jarang2 juga bercakap.

One day, ada sorg mamat kat katil depan... We didn't know his name sebab dia baru masuk. He's Pinoy (Filipino nyer orang). Masa lunch kot, the nurses bawa his papan yang ada nama dia.. "Tilo"... In Kenyah, "Tilo" bermaksud "Burung Lelaki" (tolong tangkap maksud ni dengan cepat k)

Haaa... masa tu my grandpa senyum. Senyum saja aku dah cukup puas hati.

One night, aku papah my late grandpa ke toilet. Masa dia dah naik, duduk dengan selesa atas katil, he talked to me. He talked to me about my mum. And our family.

He told me mum is a very strong lady. Di sebalik muka mami yang lembut and sifat dia yang suka menyakat orang, she's actually seorang yang sangat aggresive and kuat. Family mummy went thru lots of hardship. Adik beradik dia ada kesukaran masing-masing. Tapi, sampai satu masa, they all can live dengan harmoni.

But mum struggle from the beginning sampai sekarang.

My late grandpa told me,"At certain point of her life, your mum actually considered as successful. She breaks away from tradition and go to places people never thought we (Kenyah) can go. For us (our family), that's something we can be proud of."

"And you, to beat that, you have to be at least one step ahead of your mum. But first, you have to make sure you're more than one step ahead of yourself"

Which I never thought of and tak pernah dapat achieve.

My grandpa passed away tepat jam 6am... The day after he called mum and suarakan hajat untuk berjumpa dengan my mum.

I was in KL at that time. On the day itself, I was suppose to go to Pahang.

When I left hometown, I thought he's gonna be okay. Like always.

Dalam minda aku, my grandpa was someone yang sangat kuat, takkan tumbang atau defeated by whatever. Kecuali death. And, to death he lost.

That last conversation I think sedikit sebanayk tukar persepsi aku about lots of things.

I compete with myself. Sampai sekarang. There are times when I beat myself. I move more than one step forward. But then again, akan ada perkara yang tarik aku back to square one.

When he said,"you have to make sure your one step ahead of yourself" ...

I never thought it'll be that damn hard.

But well, I'll just have to keep trying.

* * * *

Incline Thine ear, O Lord,
unto our prayers,
wherein we humbly pray Thee
to show Thy mercy
upon the soul of Thy servant [Theodore Nyala Linyok],
whom Thou hast commanded
to pass out of this world,
that Thou wouldst place him
in the region of peace and light,
and bid him be a partaker with Thy Saints.
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.


From the Roman Missal