Hakikat

January 12, 2010
1246 hrs

Semuanya kabur. Aku pun sebenarnya tatau mana permulaan dan di mana semua ini akan berakhir. Dia tak akan tau, atau mungkin akan tau dan kekal berbuat tak tahu.

Back in 2004, that's when I get to know him. I've known him before that. Waaayyy back before that. Zaman sekolah. I know him and his name, and that's as far as it gets. Semuanya macam mimpi. I was living my life tanpa peduli siapa dia.

But that particular day in 2004... when a friend introduce me to him (tanpa tahu bahawa kitorg actually kenal), that was the time I get to know him more. And little did I know, aku suka kat dia.

I was seeing someone else. Someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Aku bukan jenis yang bertukar2 pasangan. Sebab aku tak suka proses membina dan mengenal.

Kami berkawan. And then, dia pergi jauh. Untuk 6 tahun. There are times bila dia tiba-tiba call using Skype or send a message thru Frindster. And I was REALLY HAPPY (jumping with joy in heart)whenever I heard from him. But, I was seeing someone dan perasaan itu adalah salah.

I pushed him away. Saying and convincing myself, we won't be more than friend. And the fact that I'm actually involved with someone. Aku berpegang pada fakta ini sehingga la dia balik ke tanah air.

After all those years, bila aku ready to tell mummy the shocking news (about me and the other guy), dia balik. It was easy bila dia jauh. I can confidently telling myself, tak akan ada apa2. And I have someone.

But, bila dia dah depan mata, aku jadi tak tentu arah. Aku berpegang pada sesuatu yang sedang rapuh dan bermimpi untuk sesuatu yang aku yakin bukan milik aku.

Akhirnya, aku dan dia (the guy I'm seeing) berterus terang dengan my family. As expected, kami ditentang. Lama. Dan perit.

Dan dalam masa yang sama, dia confess...

Segalanya bermula dari situ.

Tetapi, sekarang, dia mungkin akan pergi lagi. Mungkin. Aku harap dia tak pergi. But, that's not my decision to make. Bila dia datang ke Tanah Malaya, I was so happy. Walaupun di berlainan negeri, at least, berdekatan. Bukannya sorg kat Sarawak dan seorang kat sini.

Semuanya akan berubah lagi sekali. He's going back to Bintulu this Wednesday dan menunggu kalau2 dia akan pergi jauh lagi. That's what he wants. Dan aku tak boleh stop perkara yang dia nak.

Kalau ikutkan hati, aku tak nak dan tak suka dia pergi. But who am I untuk buat keputusan mcm tu...

Kalau cakap soal hati, dia selalu kata, jangan persoalkan perasaan dia. Sebabnya, kalau dia tak suka, kitorg takkan jadik pun. Trust.

Aku cuba. Selagi aku rasa aku mampu.

I wonder if he really understand or know how much I love him.